Sitting on the back row of the chapel, being there but not there. This was my second Sunday to church and I knew this was where I was suppose to be, but still feeling a void inside. The meeting finished and I wrestled with the idea of leaving and not attending the second hour. Juggling through apps on my phone looking for some reason to justify leaving, one of the sisters introduced herself and asked if I was new to their ward and if I was staying for class. I reluctantly responded with, "Oh, I'm not a member." To hear myself say those words out loud caused my stomach to wrench.
One of the most self destructive things any of us can do, is focus on what we 'are not'. In studying the nature of Heavenly Father we find that He is a creator, He builds, He uplifts and through grace He makes us more than we ever thought we could possibly be. Likewise, our thoughts, words and actions should reflect that of His character. To see ourselves as He sees. It has only been a short while and I've felt a vast amount of doubt, insecurity, loneliness and worthlessness. This isn't how God intended it to be. The purpose of repentance is to allow us to recognize, heal and align our hearts with His will. When ones focus revolves around what we 'are not', we prevent the effects of the atonement to change, reshape and refine our lives.
In moments where you feel your heart is failing, your spirit is wracked and uncertainty swarms inside you, it is pertinent that you remember why you started on this path back to the savior. To be like Him.
It crosses my mind often. I have no commitments and no promises I am tied to. I could live my life how I want to. Why don't I? My character is determined in what I do when no one is watching, when I don't have covenants to be loyal to or standards to uphold. I am happiest when I am true to what I know and when what I know is true.
“The savior is the source of true peace. Even with the trials of life, because of the savior's atonement and His grace, righteous living will be rewarded with personal peace."
-Elder Quentin L. Cook